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when i think about the universe being infinite, the concept of no beginning and no end, i cannot fathom it. i get frustrated. i try to rationalize, to wrap my mind around it, but i just can’t. it’s a strange thing, being aware of your inability to understand something. one year ago, i faced this struggle once again in the loss of my nana.
i have experienced a lot of loss in my life. i have also experienced a lot of love. a great deal of it came from her. ruth was a light. a brilliance you couldn’t ignore. sunlight glaring off of every shiny surface, every windowpane, sparkling in the eyes of anyone she spoke to. she was loud and exuberant and unapologetically alive. she laughed at everything. she cried, not because she was sad, but because she thought life was so beautiful. she prayed for every animal she saw. she wept for inanimate objects. she put life into everything.
i will never get used to living without her. it’s been a full year today, and i am still brought to my knees some days crying, shaking, screaming, because i can’t cope with her being gone. i am not trying to be melodramatic or to overindulge in my own grief; i am trying to be honest. it is not easy to lose somebody who cared for you from the moment you were born. every single step i have taken since i lost her has been heavier. every single day has been darker.
f scott fitzgerald said “there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.”
there will never be another like her, but i wouldn’t want there to be. there will be more love in my life, taking on different forms, surrounding me and transforming me. but never the same love again.
it has been one year, and i am still heartbroken. i am still shattered. i wrote and recorded this song a few weeks after her death as a private gift for my mother — i never planned to release it, but it feels right today. i want to honour her. to remind the world how her soul still shines in every corner. every window. every piece of sky.
thank you for listening, as always. i love you.
i'm standing in your house again and everything looks so small
everything is in its place like you never left at all
the world's gone dim without you and i don't know what to do
the only sacred part of me is everything from you
patterns from the window
paint in light a silhouette of you
turn around, hear me now
i'm dizzy in the centre of the room
i'm dizzy in this moment without you
it's got less to do with heaven and more to do with time
i thought i heard you calling for me in the middle of the night
if i could be a child again i'd run into your arms
but i keep getting older and you're scattered in the stars
every red light breaks my heart
this road is ripping me apart
i'm on the pavement bleeding myself dry
you don't look the same to me
an angel in my memory
i'm sorry that my love grew old and blind
i'm sorry that i couldn't say goodbye
released August 20, 2019
written by ruby mckinnon
produced by ruby mckinnon and joshua kaiser